An anti-social problem family from south London have broken all records for the most dishonest round robin ever circulated at Christmas. The O’Farrell family from Orlando Road, SW4 used the traditional annual news update for blatant bragging and petty point scoring with the friends and family when in fact 2011 had been another year of embarrassing underachievement and scandal.
No mention was made of John’s prosecution for kerb-calling in Streatham, Jackie’s increasing dependency on Barcadi Breezers or the CCTV images showing the children helping themselves to electrical goods at Dixons in Clapham Junction. Instead careful chosen phrases were selected, such as ‘Freddie and Lily both joined in with a major community event in the summer’ or ‘John has been driving much more slowly since his speed awareness classes!!!’
But no amount of exclamation marks or smiley faces could disguise the blatant distortions or outright lies that dominated Britain’s worst round robin. Implied ‘support for local charities‘ turned out to mean that John had bought Jackie’s birthday present from the Trinity Hospice Charity Shop, (a baggy T shirt with the legend ‘Ibiza 2003′) while ‘we’ve been doing our best to recycle more than ever’ was in fact an admission that everything that John had written last year had been nicked off someone else.
Even the appalling behaviour of the dog was skirted over with a cryptic reference to ‘creative carpet recolouring‘ with no mention of the nervous breakdown suffered by the terrified young man who delivers the pizza leaflets.
Now the family (who hold Lambeth’s record for the greatest number of ASBOs in one year) are being summoned to the Leveson enquiry for setting a new low in journalistic standards. But undaunted the O’Farrells have already completed their round robin for next Christmas. ‘2012 was our best year ever…’ boasted Jackie. ‘It was when I left John for my tennis coach. John, I don’t know why you’re laughing…’