The All-England Lawn Tennis Association has finally agreed to formalise the ranking of stalkers of female tennis players. Up until now the distribution of obsessive and dangerous male fans had been somewhat chaotic, with certain tennis stars having several stalkers and others having none.
The new stalker seeding system will allow a fairer spread of restraining orders, an equal number of aggressive letters proposing marriage and a guarantee that the entertainment of security guards wrestling nutters to the ground will be spread over the entire Wimbledon fortnight. The most crazed and possessive schizophrenics will be allocated to the top female tennis players. Middle ranking players will become aware that the same creepy man is always outside their hotel window, while England’s number one female tennis star will just have a kindly old gentleman who sends her a christmas card every year.