NewsBiscuit

A new report has revealed that illegally imported cigarettes are helping British children improve their foreign language skills.

“My son can say ‘smoking kills’ in 12 different languages,” boasted one proud mother, Sharon Jessop from Dudley. ‘Fumer bouche les artères et provoque des crises cardiaques et des attaques cérébrales’ demonstrated her son Kevin proudly. ‘Rauchen kann die Spermatozoen schädigen und schränkt die Fruchtbarkeit ein’ he continued, before a hacking cough prevented him from saying anything in any language. Now some traditionalists are even calling on cigarette companies to include health warnings in Latin.

Attempts by the government to prevent the flood of illegally imported cigarettes being smuggled into Britain are being criticized by teachers. ‘How else are our children going to learn foreign languages?’ said one headmaster. ‘Certainly not at school. They are all skiving off smoking. But at least they are still learning something. At least they would be, if it weren’t for all the cannabis permanently destroying their long term memory.’

keith laidlaw

Posted: Sep 30th, 2006 by NewsBiscuit