NewsBiscuit

At a ripe old age of 81, Maud Harrison might be expected to take things a little bit easy, perhaps putting her feet up for a cup of tea after a trip to the shops to collect her pension and a tin of Whiskas for the cat. But Maud is not one to let her age stand in the way of new experiences. Like countless ‘Get-up-and-Go-Grannies’ around the country, this amazing old person is going to do something normally done by young people.

‘At first I couldn’t decide which pastime normally associated with young people I should take up,’ said Maud, who has three great-grandchildren. ‘I read about the parachuting pensioners, the marathon-running granddads and the disco-dancing grandmas and realised that there wasn’t much left. And that’s when I hit on the new hobby for my old age. I’m not going to let my advanced years stop me from – binge drinking!’

So on Saturday night, Maud went into the town centre of her nearest provincial market town and got completely off her face on lager, cider, Bacardi breezers and rum and blacks. ‘I can keep up with all the young ones.’ boasted Maud, who wears a mini-skirt, crop top and strapless red bra for her drunken nights out. ‘On Saturday I had six pints of snakebite, drank a load of Bacardi breezers and then I started chucking lager bottles at the police shouting ‘Fucking bastards!’ and crying hysterically because they were dragging off my mates who got into a fight.’

‘Maud is an inspiration to us all,’ said PC Willoughby, who’d been hit by a glass bottle thrown by Maud while arresting a couple of her younger binge-drinking companions. ‘The energy and can-do attitude of some of Britain’s elderly never ceases to amaze me. I would have arrested Maud too, but I didn’t want her puking in the van. Anyway by then she was having unprotected sex with a bloke she’d just met in full view of everyone. It gives us all hope, doesn’t it!’

Posted: Oct 2nd, 2006 by NewsBiscuit