The dreaded virus commonly known as ‘Wasp Flu’ was feared to have reached the British mainland yesterday after a dead wasp was found on a window-sill in Eastern Scotland.
Environmentalists immediately called for the entire area around Fife to be sealed off while vets assessed the wasp’s cause of death, but are finding it difficult to motivate the public and the authorities about this latest health scare. Although ‘wasp flu’ presents no risk to humans, the virus will decimate Britain’s wasp population unless immediate steps are taken, they have warned.
‘We are sleep-walking towards an environmental catastrophe…’ said Jilly Casper-Wright, founder of WaspVigil-UK. ‘The wonderful British wasp with its brightly coloured stripes and its merry buzz that signals the arrival of summer – this could all be a thing of the past unless people wake up and take action now to save the wonderful wasp!’ she told the handful of journalists who had made the journey to Scotland to see the dead wasp.
When asked whether the wasps themselves might be partly to blame for public indifference to the Wasp Flu epidemic, Ms Casper-Wright became emotional and aggressive. ‘This is typical of the urban, liberal prejudice against wasps. You wouldn’t be allowed to say that about Pakistanis or Jamaicans but it appears that political correctness doesn’t apply to wasps’ said the former UK Independence Party candidate, who later refused to answer any questions to do with wasps stinging people.
The government has refused to commit any extra resources to tackle the growing Wasp Flu crisis, though Downing Street was quick to distance itself from the remarks of Kim Howells MP.
‘Who gives a fuck about wasps?’ said the maverick junior minister. ‘They’re little bastards, wasps are… Flying out of old coke cans and scaring the kids. Buzzing around in the windows of cake shops or floating around in swimming pools – I hope this virus kills off the whole fucking lot of them.’
Preliminary examinations of Britain’s first wasp flu victim suggest that death may not have been caused by the dreaded strain of wasp flu, but simply that the wasp became exhausted having got itself trapped in the double glazing.