A British Airways 747 was forced to make an emergency landing this morning when the pilot made an announcement to passengers without using a mandatory deep and reassuring voice.
Informing passengers that the weather was clear with a slight tail wind, Captain John Sitton gabbled nervously, in a anxious high pitched stutter. ‘It was terrifying,’ said one passenger, ‘he sounded like a scared gay’.
The air crew did their best to calm passengers, urging them to return to their seats and fasten seat belt, but the situation deteriorated when Captain Sitton came back on the PA system and screamed at passengers that they were now flying at ‘30,000 bloody feet!’, adding ‘Fuck me, that’s a long way up, isn’t it? I don’t understand how a massive bit of metal like this stays up in the air!’
The routine flight from Manchester to Rome was then forced to land at Paris Charles de Gaulle, where a French pilot with a really cool gravelly voice was found. British Airways have promised an enquiry. ‘All our pilots are trained to sound as if they’re not scared. We apologise to the customers for any inconvenience caused’ said the BA spokesman in the appropriately insincere tone of voice.