Industrial experts studying Britain’s surviving collieries have come up with the shocking analysis that coal mining was in fact ‘not as hard as it was cracked up to be.’
The shock findings will embarrass many former miners who have spent their enforced retirement describing the arduous conditions they endured below ground. The remaining miners in Britain’s last coalfields have also made much of their tough and grimy occupation, and until now have got away with it because nobody fancied going down there to take a look for themselves.
‘In fact we have discovered that the actual job just entailed riding in a big lift and watching a load of automated machinery carry out the task of extracting and transporting the coal’ said Marjorie Wallington of Nottingham University
‘But with everyone on the surface feeling so full of admiration and guilt, the miners below ground developed all sorts of hobbies and interests to pass away the time while the machines did the work. There was a knitting circle, flower arranging classes and a Judy Garland film club. Then at the end of their shift they would smear a bit of coal dust on their faces and stagger out of the lifts towards the showers, talking loudly about how tough it was down there.’
Former miners leaders angrily refuted the report’s findings, particularly the allegation that thousands of miners had used their spare time below ground to learn semi-creative handicrafts. ‘The large numbers of ex-miners now making a living from as batik and macramé is pure co-incidence’ said one.
Al O’Pecia (via submissions board)