Following concerns about the increasing complexity of traffic junctions, the Ministry of Transport has announced that as from next year, the traditional three traffic light colours of red, amber and green will be joined by an additional colour – blue.
‘The three colours were fine when it was a simple case of stop, get ready, go!’ said junior transport minister Keith Pinder MP. ‘But this new light brings more possibilities at our increasingly busy traffic junctions.’
According to the minister’s official statement, the Highway Code will now recommend the following responses at light-controlled junctions. Red: Stop! Amber: Stop, unless it would cause an accident to do so. Green: Proceed with caution. Blue: edge forward looking confused; realise that you shouldn’t be in the little yellow box; panic; reverse without looking; break headlights of car behind.
‘If blue comes after amber, it signifies ‘check mirror for police cars, accelerate through changing light, swerve to avoid swearing cyclist…’ continued Keith Pinder MP. ‘However, if blue appears at the same time as red, amber and green, it means you have been eating magic mushrooms and should not be in control of a motor vehicle.’
‘For pedestrians there will also be additional figures. As well as the little red man standing still and the green man crossing the road, there will be a little purple man darting between the stationary traffic and then nearly getting knocked down by a moped delivering pizza.’
To the surprise of the journalists who had attended the press conference the minister then read the final paragraph from the official statement that had been prepared by one of his civil servants; ‘By the way, this is all complete bollocks, but I knew he’d just read it out. In future Keith do not attempt to grope me in the stationery cupboard; I am not your bitch.’
The government denied that the whole announcement was an embarrassing mistake and are pressing ahead with the new lights next year.