NewsBiscuit

A case of identity theft went badly wrong this week following the fraudster’s discovery that he had stolen the identity of a walking disaster.

Hapless Joe Evans 28 was appalled to discover that after assuming the identity of Anthony J. Morris, he is now thousands of pounds in debt, has an STD, he is estranged from his family and wanted by the police for grabbing charity boxes from ex-servicemen selling poppies.

The unemployed labourer said ‘Initially it seemed like a good idea; you know stealing the identity of someone else and running up all their credit. I had no idea that this ‘Morris’ loser was maxed out already. He’s run his financial affairs in a totally irresponsible manner with no thought of the consequences for people like me. I can’t believe I fell for this bastard trap. I knew nothing about this until a gas bill for six hundred quid dropped through the door. I was in shock. Especially as I’m all electric here.’

Conversely, identity theft victim Morris could not believe his luck; ‘I now have no debts, my misunderstanding with that young lady is wiped from the record along with dozens of parking tickets and the overdue video from Blockbuster. To be honest I was contemplating suicide, but now I have a new lease of life; even that bunny-boiler I met online has switched her attentions elsewhere.’

For years Morris had responded eagerly to phishing emails, disabling all the firewalls on his computer and leaving copies of his credit card and bank statements lying at the top of the recycling bin outside his house, but he was consistently disappointed at the competency of the banks. ‘Every time I thought he had succeeded in giving away my identity they seemed to have some clever system that spotted unusual transactions. It was really annoying.’

The unlucky fraudster is now hoping to pass his new identity on to another thief, though he is not optimistic. ‘If anyone would like to check out all my details, I am informed that they have just been published on the sex offenders’ register. Oh and I understand my picture is going to be in next week’s News of the World.’

Team Biscuit

Posted: Nov 22nd, 2006 by NewsBiscuit