NewsBiscuit

Chelsea Chief Executive, Peter Kenyon was forced to admit yesterday that no-one at the club had ever heard of the ‘ex-player’ that they asked be commemorated with a minute’s silence held before their big game yesterday.

As usual, the mark of respect was impeccably observed by thousands of fans; fathers placed proudly reassuring arms round their children, the older generation stood alone with their misty-eyed memories as both sets of players bowed their heads in deep and solemn thought.

Kenyon admitted: “We had a call from a Notherner on the morning of the game saying Jack ‘The Nipper’ Russell had passed away during the night. The caller said that Jack was a midfield stalwart of the pre-war side. He apparently had a biting tackle and a Glasgow docker’s mouth that wouldn’t stop yapping all game. Always kept his tail up whatever the weather’.

German international Michael Ballack scored the only goal of the game after which he ran to the crowd and displayed a T-shirt which read “For you, Nipper”. In the post-match interview he appeared close to tears and dedicated his entire performance to ‘the great Jack Russell’.

The hoax was finally pointed out by BBC commentator John Motson, who expressed surprise that nobody at the club had taken the trouble to check. He also said he had a fair idea of the identity of the hoax caller, judging the way that the Bolton team and Sam Allardyce were biting their lip trying to suppress laughter throughout the minute’s silence.

Davster (via submissions board)

Posted: Nov 30th, 2006 by NewsBiscuit