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Tony Blair is completely innocent of any misuse of Britain’s honours system, said the police officer investigating the affair making his maiden speech in the House of Lords yesterday.

Detective Inspector Barry ‘Butch’ Johnson, now Lord Sir Barry Jonson OBE, Duke of Scotland Yard, Earl of Derbyshire, Rouge Croix Pursuivant and Keeper of the Queen’s Oxen, had earlier indicated that there was ‘shitloads of evidence’ that knighthoods and peerages may have been given out for cash or political support. However, speaking in the ermine robes befitting his sudden elevation to the Order of the Knights of the Garter, (the highest rank in the British honours system) Lord Johnson said he was satisfied that all honours and awards had been awarded entirely on merit. His former assistant on the case, Baroness Sharon ‘Shazza’ Kirby nodded in agreement behind him.

Both Labour and the Conservatives had been under investigation for awarding titles in return for cash or loans. There was some irritation from those who had leant the parties money, as they hadn’t realised they would have to give the knighthoods back when the money was repaid. But the Prime Minister will hope that Lord Johnson’s announcement will now put an end to the embarrassment he has experienced since the controversial ennoblement of the last three winners of the National Lottery’s Roll-over Jackpot.

However, there have been suggestions that the sudden elevation of a hardened police detective to the red leather benches of the House of Lords may affect the courteous nature of debates in the Upper House. When informed that Honourable Members do not attract the speakers attention by shouting ‘Oi Wiggy!’, Lord ‘Butch’ Johnson grabbed the Lord Chancellor’s arm, twisted it up his back, and shouted ‘Don’t play funny games with me scum or I’ll shove that syrup up your arse and have you stitched up for every unsolved murder, robbery and drugs haul on my patch – goddit?’

The Prime Minister later awarded Detective Inspector Lord Johnson a Victoria Cross for his bravery in the incident.

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Posted: Dec 5th, 2006 by NewsBiscuit