NewsBiscuit

Islamic Paradise is experiencing a desperate accommodation shortage due to the huge increase in holy martyrs being admitted, the former American Secretary of State claimed today.

Donald Rumsfeld, who has gained a reputation for his outspoken and sometimes eccentric views told Iraqis that the sudden upsurge of suicide bombers has created a enormous waiting list for homes and virgins.

‘The promise of seventy-two virgins waiting for them in the afterlife must have been an incentive for many of these suicide bombers, but with so many of them killing themselves in Iraq at the moment, the availability of 71 bedroom properties in paradise has reached crisis point.’

Explaining why radical young Muslims would be better off not committing suicide bombings, Rumsfeld explained that clerical staff in paradise have been overwhelmed and are completely unable to process all the new housing applications. Many suicide bombers are apparently arriving in paradise only to find that they are having to share temporary accommodation with non-martyrs – with no guarantee of any virgins coming on-stream for another couple of centuries.

‘A number of the suicide bombers are very angry that they gave up their lives on Earth to join a housing queue. One of them threatened to kill himself, and became even angrier when it was explained that this would not be possible a second time.’

Donald Rumsfeld denied that America had run out of ideas for how to tackle the crisis in Iraq, and also denied that he was forced to retire because he had gone mad. ‘If we have to invade Islamic Paradise to finish the job, then we won’t shirk from our duty’ he added.

Nathan Anderson (via submissions board)

Posted: Dec 12th, 2006 by NewsBiscuit