NewsBiscuit

As the police investigation over the cash for honours scandal grows police have released security camera images of a man they believe was prostituting himself and his government around the time of the crime.

‘An hour or so after these images were taken, this man was taking money from another punter in return for tricks. You know; honours, peerages, gongs…. Whatever you want to call it,’ said Detective Inspector Matthews who is leading the investigation. ‘Wherever sad and lonely men have little, you know, ‘election problems’, they can always find someone to give them a good funding.’

It is an open secret that senior New Labour ministers regularly pick up cash donors in the backstreets around Westminster. Throughout the night, big cars pull up and the politicians lean in the window and recite the usual price list; ‘Peerage; 40 quid, quick knighthood; £35, OBE £25 or thirty without a condom.’ Sometimes the MP will jump in the car and do the trick there and then, sometimes they go back to a flat and pin the award on the donor in private. The telephone boxes around the Houses of Parliament are full of personal cards; ‘Young Politician – fresh in town – Lobby Me!’ or ‘Chief Whip – into ‘third way’ and anonymous briefings.’

One anonymous politician spoke frankly about what their customers are after when they hand over their donations. ‘A few of the punters are a bit kinky; they wanna to dress up in ermine robes and be addressed as M’lud’ said the Right Hon Mr X. ‘Others punters are into havin’ like, swords dubbed on their shoulders. Whatever it is that turns them on, they’ll pay good money for it.’

Some campaigners are calling for this sort of prostitution to be made legal, so that cash for honours can be monitored and regulated. Others say that it is immoral and the whole sordid business must be stamped out. Either way, this rare footage of a hustler on the way to a job will shock some people. ‘It does sort of makes a change though…’ said Inspector Matthews; ‘Normally, with this lot, it’s the rest of that gets screwed.’

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Posted: Dec 18th, 2006 by NewsBiscuit