NewsBiscuit

Queen Elizabeth II stormed off the set of her official broadcast this morning shouting that she refused to work with ‘fucking amateurs’ and that they ‘could get some other mug to do their crappy Christmas show for them’.

The Queen’s official Christmas broadcast to the United Kingdom and Commonwealth has been a traditional highlight of the royal calendar dating back to Her Majesty’s first radio broadcast as monarch in 1952. However in recent years television directors have found Her Majesty increasingly difficult to handle.

‘I should have seen the warning signs when we got back her amended contract,’ said top TV director Becky Martin. ‘There was a clause demanding two crates of lager in the dressing room and that one of the mirrors be laid out horizontally.’

But the real problems started when the crew began filming. The Queen accused the cameraman of making her ‘look old’ and said the whole approach was all ‘yawn-yawn bloody talking heads again’. Various alternative ideas were discussed but the director tactfully suggested that the sketches and songs that the Queen had brought along were not quite ready for a wider audience. ‘Her material was obscene to be honest’ said Martin, ‘Really hardcore and totally un-broadcastable. It was all ‘fucking Blair’ this and ‘that bitch Cherie’ that. It was just a drunken rant.’

The Queen had been swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniels and was getting increasingly aggressive as the morning wore on. After a twelfth take of the original formal script, the Queen finally snapped, threw a punch at a sound technician and stormed out.

BBC chiefs met in emergency session yesterday to try and decide what to do this year, finally hitting on a formula that will keep the TV audience happy without trying to get the Queen back into the studio. One insider revealed; ‘We have decided just to stick out last year’s Christmas speech again. Frankly, we’ll be surprised if anyone notices.’

zarguio1

Posted: Dec 26th, 2006 by Guest