NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

Steve Jobs heralds new wave of street crime

Steve JobsApple boss Steve Jobs proudly unveiled the new iPhone this week promising that the latest must-have gadget would see the beginning of a new era in robbery- with- violence. The shiny new iPhone which packs every desirable modern gadget into one handy, easy-to-steal device, can be used to make phone calls, surf the net, take photographs, play music files, send emails and trim unsightly nasal hair. Possession of the much-hyped device means that there is almost nothing that a busy iPhone owner cannot do while on the move, apart from going outside.

As Apple proudly unveiled the new touch screen device, Jobs boasted ‘It’s a phone, it’s an iPod, it’s a palm top, it’s a great big arrow pointing to your head saying ‘Please mug me.’ Jobs continued, ‘We’re confident that this phone is so sexy that opportunistic criminals will be unable to prevent themselves from knocking owners to the ground before wrestling the device from their hands and running off down the road.’ As part of the huge global launch, Apple will be running special worldwide promotions rewarding any owner who can hold on to their new device for more than a fortnight. iPhone owners are being advised to hang on their old technology for the time being; ‘Use your old phone to take a picture of your new iPhone,’ said Jobs. ‘You’ll want to remember what it looked like.’

The new iPhones even includes Satellite Navigation technology, so that you can log on to your laptop and locate the dodgy housing estate where your £250 phone is now being sold for a tenner. This facility is of course two-way, ensuring that your Apple iBook and the phone will be reunited by burglars later in the evening.

sixyearslate

Share this story...

Send to a Friend:





Click to send this story to a friend

Posted: Jan 13th, 2007 by Guest

Tagged as: , , , ,

Click for more stories about: Science/Technology

2 Responses »

  1. [...] purely fictitious essay by on newsbiscuit has Steve Jobs saying of the newly unveiled touch screen device, “It’s a phone, it’s an iPod, [...]

  2. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by news biscuit, AppleOnly, Chrissie , James Lock, Alfredo C.F. Lin and others. Alfredo C.F. Lin said: NewsBiscuit » From The Archives » Steve Jobs heralds new wave of street crime http://ow.ly/10Tet [...]