The Department of Health launched a new scheme today that will see teenagers being innoculated against the risk of adolescence. The jab contains a new vaccine that scientists claim will protect them from grumpiness, chronic acne, pointless petty arguments with their parents and the belief that the death of Kurt Cobain was a significant historical event.
The adolescence virus typically hits those between the ages of thirteen and seventeen with varying severity. Minor sufferers feel a vague sense of disappointment in the fallibility of their parents, give up the violin and may develop the idea that T-shirts featuring swearwords are very, very funny. However for those pubescents suffering from full-blown adolescence, the symptoms can be devastating. The worst affected are bed-bound until mid-afternoon, lose the ability to talk coherently or hear basic requests and suffer extreme changes in their physical shape which are likely to be pointed out by visiting aunties. Any attempts to communicate these symptoms to a doctor will be described as ‘totally embarrassing’.
‘It’s not just the kids we want to help here,’ said Junior Health Minister Karen Hutchings. ‘Parents and younger siblings may be the victims of shouting, exaggerated stomping upstairs and endless pedantic corrections on minor points of fact. And let’s not forget the family pet. Formerly adored rabbits and hamsters may be left to starve to death in their own excrement if not removed from the adolescent’s ‘care’.’
Parents are being urged to get their kids inoculated if they spot any of the early signs, such as a hand-made notice on the bedroom door saying ‘Please KNOCK and WAIT FOR AN ANSWER’. However, a pilot inoculation scheme in the Midlands reported mixed results when a number of teenagers failed to turn up to the Saturday morning health clinic. Explanations given for their failure to keep the appointment varied from ‘dunno’ to ‘whatever’. When it was suggested to the minister that this hadn’t been properly thought through, Ms Hutchings became aggressive, accused the interviewer of ‘always getting at her’ and stormed out of the interview, slamming the door on the way out. ‘We should point out,’ said the health visitor, ‘that it’s not just teenagers that can suffer from adolescence.’