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Pensioner dies as kitten dials porn line instead of 999

Tragedy was nearly averted after an 83 year old widow fell down the stairs, and her distressed cat rushed to the phone, knocked the receiver off its cradle and then dialled out for help. Sadly, instead of dialling 999 as is traditional, the cat dialled a premium rate porn line, and the kitten’s owner died some time later.

Mrs Norma Hughes lived in Brighton with her son Brian, who returned home to find her at the bottom of the stairs with the porn line still playing. A distraught Brian expressed anger at the cat’s incompetence and lack of compassion. ‘Other people’s pets manage to dial 999; you see it on the news all the time. Golden retrievers getting awards for calling out the fire brigade, cats that pressed the 9 button three times when their owner was stuck in the loo. But this kitten had to dial a ten digit number that played a recording of a French teacher tying up the headteacher and punishing him for being naughty. The cat is clearly a poorly trained sexual deviant.’

Mr Hughes is now demanding compensation from the cats’ home who supplied the kitten just before Christmas. ‘When I bought Lucky from the rescue centre I expected it to keep Mum company. I certainly didn’t expect him to be a heartless pervert. It’s bad enough having to fork out for a funeral just after Christmas, but the BT bill for eight hundred quid was the last straw.’

A spokesman for the cats’ home commented ‘There are lots of occasions when old people die at home, and the pet doesn’t miraculously save the day. I also think that it is very unlikely that a kitten could dial a ten or eleven digit number in order. It’s more likely that it hit the redial button, that’s something you would have to take up with Mr Hughes.’

Team Biscuit

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Posted: Jan 29th, 2007 by Team Biscuit

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