Prince Charles has attacked the ‘dreadful non-holistic methods’ used to deal with this week’s outbreak of bird flu and insisted that all poultry on his farms will be treated organically using completely natural medicine.
‘It seems to me, we are doing nothing to promote organic sustainable farming methods by mindlessly culling all these turkeys when a perfectly natural cure might be possible. These poor turkeys were probably thinking that they’d done really well to get past Christmas and then this happens. It’s just another example of the quick-fix modern have-it-all society gone mad.’
As he spoke hundreds of gallons of herbal medicines were being rushed to his estate at Highgrove to be rubbed under the chin of any slightly wheezy looking chickens while Echinacea and St John’s Wort was being fed to the ducks. Farm workers struggled to rub essential oils on turkeys, and were pecked by angry geese in response to their attempts at acupuncture.
However in Suffolk, a spokesman for Bernard Matthews turkey farm stood by the decision to kill all their turkeys. ‘We got 160,000 turkeys here, if his highness wants to come down here and dangle a bloody healing crystal over the forehead of every bloody one of them, then best of luck to him.’ However by that point the mass slaughter of the turkeys had been completed and the turkey carcasses were driven off in a sealed van to a processing plant where they were boiled down to a fatty pulp. Bernard Matthews were keen to stress that this in not how they make Turkey Twizzlers.
But the Prince of Wales insisted that alternative medicine would continue to be promoted on his farms to stave off the coming bird flu epidemic. ‘These pheasants were carefully raised on my estate on a gluten free diet of manuka honey and omega-3 fish oil. Their resistance to bird flu will be all the greater for the organic royal jelly supplements and homeopathic doses of evening primrose oil. There are no healthier birds in the whole country.’
The prince then released the pheasants into the wild where they were shot by the Duke of Edinburgh.
See also Wasp flu reaches Britain