This week’s blast of cold weather has revealed a desperate shortage of snowman-making skills in Britain’s young people, claimed a damning survey yesterday. With widespread school closures following the winter’s first heavy fall of snow, there were expectations that a major display of high-quality snowmen would suddenly appear in the country’s parks and playgrounds.
However visitors to Britain were shocked to see that national snowman standards had plummetted since the last cold winter, with the worst display of snow sculptures ever recorded. ‘Your country’s snowmen are bullshit’ said French Canadian Jean-Pierre Bertillon. ‘You are just making big lumps of slush with clichéd features that look nothing like human beings.’ Another tourist said it was pathetic to see the country of great sculptors like Henry Moore and Barbara Hepworth producing such dismal attempts at the human form. Journalists from around the world have relished reporting Britain’s national humiliation with English snowmen being laughed at by newsreaders as the joke item at the end of their evening bulletin.
In a packed House of Commons, Conservative Education spokesman David Willets blasted the government for removing snow skills from the national curriculum and failing to promote ‘winter crafts’ as a specialism in the government’s flagship City Academies. ‘We are creating a ‘lost generation’ of children with no vital ‘real world’ snowman experience. Traditional skills such rolling a small snow ball into a larger one are in danger of becoming completely unknown to a whole generation of young people’ he said.
For their part the government blamed global warming and eighteen years of Conservative government although they pulled back from earlier briefings suggesting that Thursday had seen ‘the wrong sort of snow’. Leaked documents revealed that the government had considered employing professional ice sculptors from Poland and the Czech Republic to build high quality snowmen in prominent public spaces in the hope that people would assume had been made by British school children.
‘But I don’t accept that there are no high quality snowmen in Britain today’ said Education Minister Alan Johnson. ‘I have seen dozens of brilliant, original and realistic snowmen made by British children this week.’ However the minister neglected to add the detail that these snowmen had all been created digitally on ‘Nintendo Sim-Snow 07’.