Ants and tigers uniting to displace humans as top species

Ant/Tiger Alliance

An unstoppable alliance between tigers and ants looks set to displace homo sapiens as the dominant species according to a report published by a top Cambridge science professor today.

Both species have realised that on their own they are nothing, but the unquestioning discipline of ant society combined with the ferocity and strength of the tiger would make an unstoppable species coalition that could end a million years of human domination.

‘It is a terrifying prospect…’ said author of the report Professor Hilary Stuart. ‘While we humans have been fighting amongst ourselves we have failed to notice that other species have had enough of our destruction of the planet and are planning to take our places.’ Professor Stuart has been monitoring preparations for the military-style coup that he believes the big-cats/insects alliance will launch on July 7th. Ants have been observed carrying sections of leaves to their nest, while tigers have been conserving their energy and occasionally sharpening their claws against old tree stumps. ‘The signs are unmistakable…’ said Professor Stuart, ‘we must redirect all defence spending immediately away from nuclear weapons, warships, tanks and submarines and equip our armed forces with tranquilizer guns and big kettles of boiling water. Otherwise we will become the puny slaves in a tiger/ant fascist slave state.’

The detailed report has been released on the Cambridge Professor’s web-site after it was refused publication in the science journal Nature, New Scientist and Chat magazine. His work has been dismissed by senior zoologists, indeed Cambridge University were keen to point out that Professor Stuart is not in any way associated with the university, he just lives in Cambridge. Further research also revealed that ‘Professor Stuart’ has no academic qualifications beyond O levels, he just changed his first name to ‘Professor’ from ‘Simon’ after he was released from a care suffering delusions of animal conspiracies.

‘The ferocious tigers will catch you and then millions of ants will carry you off as food for their queen. We have to act now!’ he repeated sprinkling ant powder around the front of his house as the handful of remaining reporters laughed at his bizarre claims. Though the amusement petered out after a nearby tabby cat regarded them with some disdain before slinking off as if to report them to some higher authority.

Ivor Baddiel

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Posted: Feb 11th, 2007 by

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