A report into the JET nuclear research project at Culham has revealed that some of the greatest minds in nuclear physics have effectively stopped any sort of productive research and are now just having ‘a bit of a laugh’.
The laboratory is part of Europe’s multi-billion pound contribution to the search for clean electricity through the energy that powers the sun. The Joint European Torus (JET) is a hollow ring doughnut-shaped piece of equipment about 15 feet high, and nuclear physicists are supposed to be getting molecular plasma to travel round inside it at millions of degrees Celsius. The plasma is contained by huge magnets fixed around the Torus, and if it can be kept in a perfect circle mankind will have fusion and limitless clean power. However, without proper supervision and knowing that the whole project will shortly be moved to France, the scientists have been using the space for games of ‘nuclear football’ and have been bringing in their electric guitars to ‘check out the wicked acoustics.’
‘The guys brought in an inflatable doll and put her on the reception desk.’ said Giles Wesley, author of the damning report. ‘They have been photocopying their bums and pinning the results up on the notice board. A visit by American researchers was ruined after it was discovered the British physicists had put cling-film over the toilet bowl. Frankly you would expect scientific geniuses to be a little more mature.’
In response to the damning report the Trade and Industry Minister Alistair Darling called the head of the research project to reprimand him and demand a change in attitude. However at that point the minister could hear a number of sirens going off down the line, and people screaming ‘The core has melted, it’s going to blow, it’s a British Chernobyl!’ The minister and his civil servants immediately ran to take shelter in the bunkers under Whitehall, and so did not hear the hysterical giggling coming from the other end of the phone.