The criminal mastermind and arch-enemy of British secret agent James Bond has found himself in trouble with his local council after it was discovered that his secret underground missile base was built without the required permission from his local planning office.
Ernst Blofeld, owner of a number of large properties on the Isle of Wight, has spent millions of dollars on the nerve centre from which he was planning to hold the entire world to ransom. However his plans hit an unexpected hitch last Tuesday when he was contacted by the planning department who’d become aware that his massive underground control centre and nuclear launch pad had never come before the island’s planning control committee.
‘Even though it is mostly underground, it still exceeds the permitted development for this type of property’ explained Councillor Rosalind Johnson (Con). ‘We understand that the old mansion divides into two as the missile launchers rise up out of the ground from where they can fire enough nuclear weapons to destroy all the major cities of Western Europe and the American East Coast. If this were the case then we would want to ensure that the missile launchers are in keeping with the traditional late-Victorian style of this Grade II listed building within a conservation area’.
Under the Isle of Wight’s strict planning laws Ernst Blofeld may be left with no choice but to demolish the epicentre of his evil empire. The criminal genius has said he will appeal to the council, stressing the number of jobs that his underground complex would provide for the local economy. ‘I will be looking for any nuclear rocket scientists living in the Ryde area, a couple of hundred henchmen proficient in martial arts, and maybe a big bloke with metal teeth or a robotic arm or something…’
In fact dozens of armed guards were already on site when the planning officer delivered the official notification from the council, but found themselves insufficiently trained for this type of crisis. ‘We weren’t quite sure how to react’ said one. ‘We were expecting James Bond to parachute into the silo, take us all on then and use some gadget to blow it all up. Instead we have been defeated by some 55 year old bureaucrat with a form from the council. It’s very disappointing.’
Councillor Johnson added ‘Actually there is no way James Bond would have gained the required permission to parachute into a built up area. It’s against Health and Safety.’
13 February 2008