NewsBiscuit

As shares plummeted around the world this week, City bosses in London have been insisting on paying back the enormous bonuses they were paid only a couple of months ago. Around £8.8 billion was paid out to top earners in the Square Mile at Christmas, with 400 investors gaining an additional £1 million on top of their usual massive salaries. But with shares now in freefall, the majority have felt morally compelled to return any cash that hadn’t already been spent.

‘It just seemed wrong to keep it’ said Piers ‘Jonners’ Johnson from Goldman Sachs as he joined the enormous queue that had spontaneously formed in the Square Mile this morning. ‘Sure, I would have liked to buy another villa in the Caribbean, but I think we all have a moral responsibility to the public. I told my wife forget the swimming pool in our second home in Gloucestershire – I was overpaid back at Christmas and that mistake should be rectified.’

Ordinary shareholders cheered and clapped the principled stand taken by City millionaires as they arrived at work this morning, clutching their chequebooks or carrying the money to be returned in large bags of cash. ‘We were paid these bonuses for our good judgement and expertise.’ said one humbled currency trader. ‘This week’s crash has shown that in fact we got it wrong, so it only seems fair to give it all back.’

One old lady, whose pension had been seriously devalued this week, wept as she saw the selfless act of sacrifice being made by the millionaires of the City of London. ‘Everyone thinks these people only care about making themselves very rich, but when it goes wrong like it has this week, they are the first to step forward and hold their hands up and take the blame. I organised a whip-round for them at the day centre, and all the pensioners gave generously.’

The investors have received thousands of similar donations from ordinary members of the public around the country inspired by their principled stand. These millions were handed over to the investors at a public ceremony earlier today. The returned City bonuses however will apparently be returned ‘in private’ and to avoid any embarassment will not be audited.

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Posted: Mar 1st, 2007 by NewsBiscuit