NewsBiscuit

Iraq; America sends in the life coaches

President Bush yesterday unveiled his government’s bold new strategy to alleviate the plight of ordinary Iraqis; deploying thousands of American life-coaches. ‘With Iraqi people feeling more pessimistic now than they did a year ago, the obvious solution is to turn them into get-up-and-go optimists from within’ said Mike Finkelman of the Chicago Institute for Neuro Linguistic Programming. ‘Change is GOOD, get used to it Iraq!’

At dawn yesterday the First US Airborne Life Coach Division was parachuted into some of the most treacherous and war ravaged regions, and after burying their parachutes set about discussing life goals and suppressed dreams with key opinion formers in the native population. ‘We had a slight problem that many of them had the unrealized ambition of destroying the Great Yankee Satan. But on the whole the Iraqis are getting the same, smile-all-the-way advice we give to our American customers.’

President Bush is now seeking funding to deploy another twenty thousand life coaches in Northern Iraq and Afghanistan, but is encountering opposition from many life coaches themselves who somehow never really saw themselves getting sidetracked like this. Critics remain sceptical that the craze sweeping corporate America can really work in the war torn Middle East. There have also been questions about the sensitivity of the programme, after a life coach was allocated to Former Vice Iraqi President Taha Yassin Ramadan, just twenty four hours before his execution. ‘Sure that was one of the shorter sessions,’ admitted Finkelman. ‘But tomorrow is always the first day of the rest of your life. It’s just that in his case, it was also the last.’

The British meanwhile have embarked upon a similar strategy, with ‘Operation Mustn’t Grumble’. ‘It’s been a great success’ said Major Tom Smythe. ‘Before, 80% of Iraqis said they weren’t happy with their lot. Now we’ve got 40% saying ‘could be worse’, with 20% saying ‘at least it isn’t raining’ and 20% answering ‘I’m not as badly off as that Mrs Mahmood from number 76. Her knees are playing up something shocking.’