Teenager to sue parents for ugly face

A Californian teenager is planning to sue his parents for $10 million for what he describes as a life of misery behind a ‘really ugly face’. Sixteen year old Duane Campbell of Santa Barbara says he is an outcast in a world of beautiful people because of his hideous looks.

‘All the kids on the TV ads and in the movies are really cool, and even the guys in High School are pretty good-looking too. This really is ‘America the beautiful’, but how do you think I feel singing that in front of all the chicks in school? I always was a weird-looking kid, but now I have developed a huge nose, protruding ears, buck teeth and a receding chin. It’s all my parents’ fault, and I’m going to sue the ass off them.’

Duane’s tipping point came when he found some old family photograph albums reaching back over several generations. ‘I could hardly believe it’ he said ‘when I saw photos of my Mom and Pop’s families. I was like ‘Jeez, between them they are as ugly as me.’ All my Dad’s relatives had a Pinocchio nose and elephant ears, and all Mom’s had no chin and teeth like cartoon rabbits. Looking like that they had no right to breed, especially with each other! As it turned out, I got a quadruple whammy – and that’s without counting my chronic acne.’

Duane’s parents were devastated at the prospect of having to sell their home to pay their son damages. ‘How could he do this to us?’ sobbed his mother Charlene. ‘We are not wealthy people, and we could never afford cosmetic surgery, but otherwise we have always tried to give him the very best of everything we could afford,’ she added. ‘But I suppose he has got a point – he really is butt-ugly, isn’t he?’

Team Biscuit

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