A discrete new service is being offered in unlicensed sauna parlours in London as men pay attractive young women good money to give them an ‘ego massage.’
‘Our typical customer is a lonely low-achieving man, probably on a dull business trip to the capital,’ said one ego masseur. ‘He’s probably just failed to secure some crucial contract so he comes in here, lies down on the slab and then one of our girls will ask him if he works out a lot, what’s he going to do when he hits thirty and then she’ll laugh long and hard at his golfing anecdotes.’
‘It’s kind of a tension release,’ explained Mr X, who wished to remain anonymous since his real name is Kevin. ‘If I’m feeling a bit low, like no-one thinks I’m any good, then I go in there and the girls are really impressed when I tell them about my new Sat Nav. She actually asked if I would bring it with me next time I came in.’
But ego massages remain illegal in the UK and one covert police recording recently revealed some of the methods used. The short and balding customer was clearly wearing an ill-fitting BHS suit which the ego masseur suggested must be an Armani. On discovering that her customer was a regional distributor for photocopying supplies in the South West region, she then affected astonishment as she had just been talking to someone who said how excellently photocopying supplies were distributed in the Plymouth area.
At this point the police burst in shouting ‘Nobody move!’ The ego masseur commended the officer for his naturally authoritative manner, asked him if he had ever thought of doing any professional voice work, and the conversation continued for another half an hour or so with no charges finally being brought.