‘The makers of the hit 1990s video sex guides are finally giving up making sequels as the couple involved now just go to bed and read for twenty minutes before putting the light out.
The manuals just weren’t selling anymore…’ said director Arabella Strachan. ‘The couple have been together so long that the DVDs just showed them getting undressed, climbing into bed and then talking about renewing their residents’ parking permit. There was a moment when it looked like they might have sex, but it turned out the woman was just reaching across to have a sip of his Ovaltine.’
The original ‘Lovers Guide’ video broke all sales records and shocked millions with it’s sexually explicit footage, featuring the couple making love for over an hour and a half. Best-selling sequels showed the couple experimenting yet further, making love in various surprising and often physically demanding positions. However, after the couple had been together for a few years, the sex on the subsequent DVDs became increasingly routine and perfunctory. For about a dozen of the later Lovers Guide sequels, the couple quickly had sex in exactly the same way, every Sunday morning after The Archers Omnibus.
‘It’s time to call a halt to the series’, said director Strachan. ‘The guides were never bought by couples anyway, only middle-class blokes who were too embarrassed to buy porn videos like anyone else. They’ve all got the internet now, we can’t compete with that. The only sexual activity on ‘Lovers Guide 27’ occurs right at the end. The man waits for his wife to go to sleep, slips downstairs on his own and then watches Lovers Guide 1.’