A hamburger restaurant in Ohio was the scene of the latest horrific images to shock America yesterday as a strange loner dressed in a clown costume went on an indiscriminate two-hour spree giving out hamburgers, fries and chicken dippers that in twenty years time would kill the customers from heart disease and diabetes.
‘It was horrible…’ said one witness. ‘Everywhere you looked there was oil and mayo oozing out of the burgers, ketchup splattered over the tables, shakes spilled across the floor. How could anybody let this happen?’
The shocking scenes come as America’s annual death toll from weight-related mortalities continues to mount, and many are now questioning the Republicans’ treasured ‘right to bear fat’. ‘The current situation is insane,’ said one campaigner for bun control. ‘Anybody, no matter what their dietary history is allowed to just wander into a shop and buy a burger. It’s lethal. They can buy three or four burgers at a time if they want, and they often do.’
Nearby hospitals were said to be unable to admit any more obesity cases through their doors. ‘The normal doors aren’t wide enough. We had to use the service entrance round the back.’ Thousands of very fat people die every year in the United States, where it is quite normal for people to have potato chips on their bedside table or keep a doughnut in their car.
The current laws were defended by Bob Lubbock, of the National Waffle Association, ‘The right to bear fat is in the U.S. constitution. I will stand up for this right, as soon I can get out of this chair. If a man wants a portion of ribs, or a king size burger or fried chicken wings, or all three with mayo on top, that is his inalienable right as a US citizen. Now pass the maple syrup would you?’
Senator Lubbock was then rushed to hospital complaining of chest pains. As he was wedged into the back of the ambulance he shouted; ‘Remember Nachos don’t kill people. People eating Nachos kill people.’