An unemployed twenty-seven year old from Redditch tops the prestigious Sunday Sport Skint List which was published today.
Although registered at his parents’ house ‘for tax reasons’, Derek ‘Degsy’ O’Rourke has a number of homes across the West Midlands area, most notably his brother’s spare-room and his ex-girlfriends’ car for which he still possesses a key, and where he often sleeps in if he passes it on the way home from the pub.
Last year Mr O’Rourke was only fourth the UK Skint List, but since then a number of his investments have failed to materialize, most notably a scratch-card which he had promised his creditors was ‘definitely the big one’ and a number of empty cider bottles which his dad told him would fetch a penny each if he took them down the off license. Degsy’s total assets, including a dried out packet of Old Holborn and a jumper are estimated to be worth around 37p. During the last financial year his total earnings were 40p which accumulated by kicking the ‘Copper Cascade machine’ at the fun-fair before being kicked out.
A spokesman for Britain’s skintest man said ‘Mr O’Rourke prefers not to comment on his financial situation, in case you are the people from the social. He might speak to you when wakes up if you give him a quid,’ added his local priest, ‘But he’s been asleep on my sofa for two days after finding where I had hidden all the communion wine’.
Second on this year’s Sunday Sport Skint List was ‘performance anarchist’ Dave ‘Dogbreath’ Thomas from Bristol, who said ‘Money is just their way of trying to enslave you; I won’t have nothing to do with them bread-heads’ mind-control. Can you lend me a tenner?’ Third was the founder of holiday company ‘Baghdad Breaks PLC’ and in joint fourth place were former pop-duo ‘Bros’.