New BP chief emphasizes love of football, drinking and Top Gear

Following the shock resignation of John ‘Gay-Lord’ Browne, the new chief executive of oil giant BP has moved quickly to establish his credentials as a thoroughly masculine man’s man. At a press conference to announce his appointment, Desmond Hornsby talked openly of his love of football, rugby, eating really hot curries and watching Top Gear.

During the press conference Mr Hornsby seemed to make a number of sexist comments, openly ogling the breasts of a female journalist and at one point punching a colleague on the upper arm. When an attractive young waitress put water on the table he said ‘Ooh lads eh?.. the things I’d like to do to her eh? ‘

When asked about the projected earnings of BP over the next financial year he briefly mentioned some relevant figures before bizarrely side stepping into the following anecdote. ‘I remember when me and the lads went over to Prague on a stag. I reckon I’d had twenty pints or so at least, ‘cos me and the lads are a bit mental with a few beers in us. Anyway, this tosser only goes and spills my pint, it all kicked off I can tell you. I gave two of them a right slapping before the old Bill arrived and we legged it.’

Mr Hornsby denied claims that he spent many weekends with Lord Browne at his home. He also dismissed as petty jealousy that it was this special ‘friendship’ that saw him quickly climb the ladder of the multi-national. ‘So what if we spent the odd evening at Mamma Mia, it’s a good show and us busy executives have to find some way of blowing off steam.’