The War on Terror widened today when the US Air Force launched a series of air strikes against the internet grocery retailer Ocado. A number of its distinctive green and purple delivery vans were blown up by American helicopter gunships, while the headquarters of the Waitrose home shopping company was razed to the ground by concentrated American bombing.
Speculation is rife that President Bush’s increasingly lax Texan drawl may have caused military chiefs to misinterpret orders from the Commander-in-Chief, but a Pentagon statement was eventually put out to scotch rumours that George Bush had actually said ‘Al-Qaeda’ but just not very clearly.
‘Ocado is a legitimate target in the War on Terror’, read the Pentagon statement. A combination of Al-Qaeda and Ocado could prove lethal. Osama Bin Laden could simply get on the internet and order a car bomb to be sent to a chosen address within any sixty minute period. Plus there would be a special petrol-saving, green symbol for when a suicide bomber was already in the area.
It is believed that intelligence information regarding the location of Ocado delivery vans was gathered using American Spy-Satellites with co-operation from Sainsburys Online and Tesco Direct. American bombers were ordered to deliver BLU-82 bombs or if these were not available, substitute them with the nearest equivalent.