Alton Towers closes ‘Emotional Rollercoaster’


A leading UK amusement park has been forced to close its new ‘Emotional Rollercoaster’ ride just weeks after opening. Hundreds of complaints had been received from members of the general public often still in shock from the emotional trauma they had just been through.

‘We were trying to give people a mental as well as a physical thrill’ said Peter Brindall, the theme park’s manager. ‘What’s wrong with seeing placards saying ‘Stuart Williams; your mum’s about to die!’ or ‘It’s ok Stu, she suddenly pulled through!’ as you twist and turn about? It’s not as if we didn’t warn them.’

However, it wasn’t the nature and content of the signs dotted around the ride that troubled most of the park’s visitors, even if banners frequently promised then snatched away major lottery wins, rapid promotion or the discovery of a rare bone marrow disease.

Stuart Williams, one of the thousands who demanded the ride’s closure, said ‘to be honest, there wasn’t time to take in the awful news of my mother’s impending oblivion before hearing of her survival. The problem I had was being kidnapped at gunpoint during one of the loop-the-loops, then being held hostage by terrorists. Only it turned out they weren’t terrorists, the leader pulled off his mask and it was Simon Cowell to tell me I’d actually made the final of the X Factor. Not.’

With many customers subsequently complaining of deep feelings of emptiness and depression, the Staffordshire Emotional Health and Safety Inspectorate told the ride’s designer the devastating news that his life’s work has all been for nothing. They then added; ‘It’s not really closing – we were just joshing. The ride is actually going to be copied all over the world making you a billionaire. No, actually, we are closing it.’


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Posted: May 8th, 2007 by

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