The Lord God Almighty, perhaps the most important leader in the universe, is expected to announce his resignation later this week according to a statement issued this morning. ‘God the Father will be making a formal announcement regarding his long-term plans on Thursday’ said the office of the omnipotent creator, fuelling widespread speculation that he will be stepping down in July. His successor is widely tipped to be Jesus Christ, the Jewish second-in-command and current next-door neighbour in the Trinity.
God the Father has been a popular figure for many centuries, but in recent years has come under heavy criticism for his inability to stop wars, failure to prevent rampant homophobia among his followers and his old-fashioned dress sense. Many believers now feel a change at the top is the only way to revive Trinitarian monotheism.
‘I think Jesus will do a great job’ said the Father, finally endorsing his successor and long-standing rival. ‘For the last two thousand years he’s being doing important work in soteriology , whatever that is, and I’m sure he’ll get used to handling real power eventually.’
Leading spiritual figures from across the religious spectrum lined up to praise the Father and his legacy. ‘He did some really good stuff,’ said the Devil, ‘particularly in the early years with all that ‘creation from nothing’ business. Speaking as the official Leader of the Opposition, I shall miss our sparring matches. And remember the way he gave me Job to play with while he worked out how to hide the dinosaur bones?’
Jesus is unlikely to face a leadership challenge as the Holy Spirit declared last week he was quite happy to continue influencing people indirectly, though there are rumblings of discontent from the outer reaches of Heaven. ‘Why should we only get three leaders to choose from?’ said Saint Eutychymius, the fourth century Palestinian martyr. ‘There are myriad saints up here with leadership qualities. How about a woman for a change?’ But whether Jesus can raise the Trinity’s popularity back the heady days of the twelfth century levels remains to be seen. ‘You’ll see real changes’ said a spokesman. ‘The son is very much his own man. Except for being one and the same.’