Claims of cyber-war between Russia and its former territory in the Baltic have been cooked up by the two countries to make the rest of the world think they have any computers, it has emerged.
The small Baltic republic of Estonia this week claimed that Russia had launched an attack on Estonian government and commercial websites, while Russia strongly denied employing aggressive online tactics to swamp sites or block mailboxes.
However a leaked memo has revealed that the two countries have contrived this international dispute to cover up the fact that neither country has any computers except a broken Amstrad 8256 which is currently being used as a doorstop at the Kremlin. ‘They are really embarrassed about the fact that they don’t know how to use the internet, and that the last time a batch of monitors were delivered to Tallinn, all the electrics were taken out and they were used as nesting boxes for chickens,’ explained British diplomat Steven Perrin. ‘So they have come up with this story of cyber-war to try and impress us.’
However suspicions were soon raised that neither country had the faintest idea what they were talking about. ‘The Russians are electrocuting our interweb mailsites. Their floppy disks are blocking our e-posts and we are catching viruses from their DVD clinic,’ said the Estonian minister for technology, speaking from his horse. The Russian Foreign Minister was quick to deny the allegations; ‘Yes we have lots of computers in Moscow. We turn them on and compute on them. We have not sent happy slapping texts to Estonia, or released the cybermen. But we do have lots and lots of computers. Excuse me, I have a web call coming through on my tractor phone.’
Russia and Estonia have recently been involved in a diplomatic wrangle over a war memorial to Russian war dead, which has led to a trade war between the two countries. Estonia claims to have instructed its commercial air fleet to avoid Russian airspace, to which US reporters responded ‘Yeah, right, your jet planes, of course.’ Damage to Estonia’s commercial interests will be estimated as soon as they find all the little beads that go on the abacus.