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Sky to launch ‘UK Hostage’ channel

Sky Television has announced plans to add to its extensive programme choice, with a new channel dedicated exclusively to terrorist hostages.

Brian Collins, spokesman for the broadcaster said, ‘we see desperate appeals from terrorist hostages as a growing market. With global unrest at an all-time high, there is sure to be plenty of material. ‘We have listened to feedback from the public and our research indicates that there is massive interest in a live 24-hour feed, similar to Big Brother Live. The problem to date has been that most of the video and sound quality hasn’t really been broadcast standard.’

Collins revealed that it was watching the shabby videos of recently released BBC Journalist Alan Johnston that prompted the move. ‘I mean it was a joke, Alan’s an experienced and professional broadcaster who will be furious when he sees the quality of the tapes. Why the kidnappers didn’t ask for his advice I don’t know. Also what type of idiot decided on a Wednesday morning release, where’s the viewing figures in that? We’d have scheduled the release to go head to head on Saturday against Britain’s Got Talent. Really, the whole thing was a shambles.’

Sky claimed to have signed exclusive deals with all the major terror organizations and their factions while Dermot O’Leary has been approached to do studio-based interviews with the hostages’ families. ‘ Yeah, we want Dermot to do, how are they feeling?… how would the hostage react in this situation?… any embarrassing stories from childhood? … type of thing’ confirmed Mr Collins. ‘We may introduce an interactive element in the future with text votes governing such variables as diet, colour of jump suit, release date and a few humiliating tasks perhaps.’

The channel will be officially launched next month pending a possible legal action from the producers of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here’ who had plans to drop Tara Palmer Tomkinson in Gaza and just see what happened.

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Posted: Jul 5th, 2007 by Team Biscuit

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