Extracts from the eagerly awaited book ‘The Bible – Testament 3.0’ filled the internet last week, and several websites posted what appeared to be copies of the complete manuscript, which has been kept in a tightly sealed cave of secrecy leading up to its Sunday release.
Eager fan Archbishop Rowan Williams, downloaded a copy of the wildly anticipated threequel and revealed details in his Sunday sermon. ‘Without giving too much away’, he preached, ‘I can confirm rumours that a major character is killed off about half way through the book. However, he comes back to life again before disappearing for several years, and after a triumphant return he dies again, rises from the dead and once again disappears with a promise to return later.’
The new book, which has been dubbed ‘the most exiting yet’, will feature all of the thrills and spills of the first two testaments, including walking on water, flying, and water-to-wine magic. Jesus Christ and his twelve friends will also encounter a host of new sins to tempt them, including smoking in a public building, using a mobile phone when driving, and many old favourites like betrayal, adultery and ox-coveting.
Catastrophes including floods, locusts and Chris Moyles will hinder the thirteen friends on their quest, and fans will be pleased to note that old adversary The Devil will return, this time as an evasive Afghan terrorist.
If the online material is genuine, it would represent a major breach of security that God Inc. have been working feverishly to protect. The publishers of the blockbuster fantasy series released a statement saying ‘Thou shalt not read our book on thy internet’, at which lots of excited fans were alerted to the fact that it was on the internet.