Essential workers to provide services only for other essential workers

‘Essential’ workers such as nurses, firemen and police officers today announced that with immediate effect they will only provide services to other essential workers, and that everyone else will have just to ‘make do’. Union leaders revealed that their members’ strong feelings about no longer being able to afford property in the towns and cities where they work had prompted the move.

From next week, callers to 999 will be greeted with the message; ‘Which service please? And do we need you?’ Their occupation will be compared by a dispatcher against an approved database of essential workers before deciding whether or not to send assistance.

The government Civil Contingencies Committee or ‘COBRA’ met in emergency session to discuss the move and announced at the end that everyone who had attended the meeting was absolutely, definitely essential, and further announced the very important government post of ‘Minister for essential affairs’ who would make a clear judgement on everyone else.

A spokesman for the newly formed NEWA (Non Essential Workers Alliance) sneered at the move, promising to hit back by only providing non-essential services to non-essential workers. ‘They may be prepared to watch our homes burn, let crime rampage through our streets and allow us to die at the front doors of hospitals but sooner or later these so-called ‘essential workers’ will need a haircut or an antique picture frame repaired. We’ll soon see who has the last laugh then.’