President George Bush today accepted that everything said in Osama bin Laden’s latest video offering was entirely true and just, and that as a result, America as a nation is converting to Islam. Despite pleas from a handful of diehard Christians, most Americans agreed that their minds had been completely changed by listening to the terrorist leader’s broadcast and that to their own surprise they would now be changing sides in the War on Terror.
‘It was just a very well argued and persuasive message from bin Laden, and sometimes you simply have to admit you were in the wrong,’ said President Bush. ‘Sure the whole terrorism thing was upsetting at the time but it certainly brought all these issues to our attention. We never realised just how wrong our way of life had been until that nice Mr bin Laden took the trouble to point it out.’
The President was in the capital, declaring that henceforth the United States will be governed entirely by Sharia Law. In the so-called ‘Koran Belt’ in the Deep South, thousands protested that his Islamic reforms did not go far enough, and ordered the stoning of adulterers and the launch of a holy Jihad against Canada. Wearing the traditional burka, Condoleeza Rice announced she would be stepping down from politics immediately immediately after she had signed the legislation banning the sale of alcohol across America.
Bin Laden was reported to be surprised that his call for America to convert to Islam had been so instantly succesful ‘Frankly, I’d been worried that I might have had the opposite effect; that they might have been disinclined to take my advice, but I had this hope that the world’s most powerful country might all become Muslims and it’s always worth asking.’
Asked whether religious extremism, revenge-based justice and discrimination had any place in modern America, the president refused to answer on the grounds that the question was ‘overly-satirical’. On a more personal level, President Bush expressed his joy that under the new jurisdiction, Dick Cheney’s trigger happy hand would soon get the come-uppance they deserved, while promising even more stringent measures for Bill Clinton.