Hertfordshire police have reported a 100% success following their advertising campaign telling people ‘Don’t commit crime’. Despite widespread ridicule and mockery in the national media, it appears that all lawbreakers needed was a clearly worded signpost from the local police force telling them to stop, and all criminal activity would cease for ever more.
‘I was on my way to smash a few car windows to nick the sat-navs’ said Terry Osman from Watford ‘when suddenly this sign put me straight on the error of my ways. I’d never thought about it before, but now that I have read that sign I will be devoting my life to local children’s charity and helping elderly neighbours.’
One passing Russian mafia member stopped his car, looked up each word in his dictionary and then drove to the police station to hand over the laundered money from his currency fraud to the local constabulary.
‘I have to say, even we were a bit surprized how successful it was’ admitted the local chief superintendent Brian Surgeon. ‘Those Plain English people were very sniffy about the idea when it first came out, but we have proved that clear communication is very effective. We didn’t say ‘Pursuant to your suspected intention to perpetrate criminal activities in this location, we beg to inform you that the aforementioned nefarious activities may conclude in criminal proceedings being taken with resultant termination of liberty.’ Clearly, the criminals around here just needed us to tell it like it is.’
Now that crime has completely dried up in Hertfordshire, the police are rolling out their plain-speaking project to solve a number of other tricky issues around the world. These will include: ‘Oi! Bin Laden! Give yourself up now!’, ‘Iraqi insurgents – don’t insurge!’, ‘Globe – stop warming!’ and of course ‘Don’t get on a tube train if you are an innocent Brazilian’