Surgeons working in Papworth who have previously pioneered heart, lung and liver transplants, have successfully carried out the world’s first ‘entire person transplant’. Eric Simms aged 88, needed a new heart, kidneys, lungs, spleen, stomach, as well as two plastic hips and new dentures, when surgeons realised it would be cheaper and simpler just to swap the individual with newer, healthier one.
Ground-breaking medical techniques were apparently developed for the 17 hour operation as Eric was transplanted with a thirty-three year old sports coach from Moldova. ‘I am delighted with my new Eric,’ said his elderly wife Mabel, ‘Or Andrei as he likes to be called now. He’s fitter, he looks years younger and he has introduced me to a whole new world of intimacy and loving, as it were. Frankly, my old Eric didn’t have long left and was becoming a bit of a burden.’
At the subsequent press conference, surgeons were vague about the revolutionary medical techniques involved, although they strenuously denied rumours that Eric had in fact died the minute they got him into the hospital. ‘This is a major breakthrough in transplant techniques and should be celebrated as such. Instead we are having to listen to the cynics trying to spread some malicious lie that the new Eric is in fact an illegal migrant who used to work in the hospital kitchens.’
A number of Mabel’s friends are now enquiring about their husbands receiving entire person transplants. ‘Can you make him sort of more in his twenties’ requested one, ‘and black.’