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Second Coming to be sponsored by Coca-Cola

Soft drink giant Coca-Cola have revealed that they are to be the main sponsors of the return to earth of Jesus Christ in 2008.

Announcement of the deal follows months of secret talks between Coke executives and representatives of the Messiah which will see the see the Day of Judgement officially named as ‘Coca-Cola Jesus 2.0™’. The sponsorship coup will be seen as a major blow to soft-drink rivals Pepsi, who have been concentrating on sponsoring terrestrial sports and music events.

At the operation’s headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia, delighted executives held a press conference to formally announce the news. Coca Cola’s spokesman Doug Rosenbaum revealed that the deal swung in the balance for a while until their media partner HBO offered additional funding and guarantees on television coverage.

‘There will no substantive change in the basic message of Our Lord Jesus Christ. The only noticeable difference is that at various points during his busy schedule Our Saviour is contractually obliged to be filmed taking a refreshing drink of Coca-Cola. Plus there will be a couple of specific publicity opportunities at which he will call on all men to love their enemies and buy them a Coke, he will declare ‘blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled with Coke. Oh and he will be live on HBO turning water into Coke.’

Leading churchmen have defended the decision of the Messiah to team up with a high profile sponsor; ‘The last occasion he did the whole thing on a shoestring, and he didn’t really fancy slumming it this time round,’ explained Reverend Bryan Dupree, of the Atlanta Free Church. With proper sponsorship money, Jesus will be able to return to Earth in the sort of comfort that a celebrity of his stature should expect these days. Our research has shown the Christian Cross to be the second most recognized brand image in the world. So it makes sense for him to team up with number one.’

However a final date for the ultimate battle between Good and Evil has yet to be scheduled with TV rights still being negotiated and Satan unable to find a corporate backer. A number of potential sponsors pulled out after polling research revealed the Anti-Christ to have mainly negative associations for their many of their customers.

Team Biscuit

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Posted: Oct 2nd, 2007 by NewsBiscuit

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