Dolphins ‘planning to move into our houses after global warming’

Dolphins and porpoises are already planning to move into human homes after they are submerged by seawater it has been revealed this week. Marine biologists studying cetecean communications claim they have observed dolphins discussing which homes they will occupy and whether they might change the layout a little. ‘People have been amazed to see friendly dolphins popping their head close to the shore in bustling coastal fishing villages,’ said Professor Karl Ingerson. ‘They think they are coming up to say hello to the local humans. Actually they are checking out their houses and deciding which one they are going to nab.’

Rising sea levels are expected to claim thousands of coastal towns and villages over the next few decades, forcing millions of humans to flee inland. It had been presumed that these areas would be gradually occupied by marine life in an unplanned and chaotic migration. ‘In fact, they’ve already got the whole thing worked out’ explained Professor Ingerson. ‘There are even dolphin equivalents of underwater estate agents who are telling other marine mammals about the most desirable areas and the need to move quickly to avoid disappointment. From our studies it would appear that they are not being completely honest about some of these properties.’

Professor Ingerson also claims that teenage dolphins are already refusing to share with a sibling and arguing about who gets which room. ‘These are highly intelligent mammals but that brings many of the same problems encountered by human societies. They are obviously attracted by the idea of sitting around in armchairs rather than swimming about all day. In fact we are predicting that as dolphins become increasingly sophisticated they will over-exploit their environment causing global cooling and lowering sea-waters. In a couple of centuries time we might even get our houses back.’