A dramatic and sudden rise in the number of British people committing suicide over the weekend was put down a tragic error by the person who chose the music for callers held in a queue during busy periods.
‘I didn’t realize that James Blunt would make so much difference’ said student intern Jennifer Keane, 16. ‘I’m only here on work experience and they put me in the back office because they were worried about my inexperience. I feel really embarrassed now!’
Samaritans provides ‘confidential non-judgemental emotional support, twenty four hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those which can lead to suicide’. But over the weekend suicide attempts leapt by around 400% after Jennifer, a big James Blunt fan, played a selection of the UK stars’ greatest hits on the Samaritans call waiting system. The songs, including hit singles ‘You’re Beautiful’ and ‘1973’, were said to be so morose and depressive that they simply were too much for people already feeling a bit down.
‘It was an appalling decision’ said a survivor of the incident, dubbed as Lemming Saturday, ‘I wasn’t even ringing the Samaritans, I just got a wrong number, but after hearing that miserable racket life I was all ready to top myself.’
A spokesman for the Samaritans said that an internal inquiry is underway. They have also changed the call waiting and are playing more upbeat songs. ‘I’m not sure what they’re called’ he confessed, ‘But I think they’re by a band called Nirvana.’