NewsBiscuit

Yoghurt-dwelling strains of so-called ‘friendly bacteria’ have warned that they have had enough of being taken for granted, and want their fair share of the UK government spend on bacteriology.

‘It’s like you have to be disruptive to get noticed’ said one of the millions of lactobacilli casei shirota found in a tiny bottle of probiotic drink Yakult. ‘The other bacteria give people diaorrhea, make them vomit or just die or whatever, and they get all the attention. People think we’re really boring because we actually try and do something worthwhile and suddenly we’re made out to be total neeks or squares or whatever.’

Friendly bacteria assist digestion in the lower colon by allowing the body’s naturally occurring gut flora to reestablish themselves, However research on probiotics is limited because scientists get so bored studying them; ‘I did attempt detailed observations of these little guys to find out what they actually do, but I got distracted by this vicious little Staphylococci bacterium who was like going crazy destroying everything in it’s path – it was pretty compelling I can tell you,’ said micro-biologist Marek Myowski. ‘I did try to return to the friendly bacteria but they were such boring, worthy little creeps I fell asleep.’

Benevolent bacteria have now declared it’s ‘no more Mr Nice Guy’ and are threatening ‘extreme steps’ such as limiting the amount of time they spend lowering pH levels in their host’s colon, and cutting back in the assistance of mineral absorption. ‘Yeah, like we care’ said Professor Myowski.

A delegation of twelve billion assorted friendly bacteria turned up at 10 Downing Street in a pot of natural Yoplait yesterday but were eaten by Mrs Brown at dinner.

steve20

Posted: Nov 3rd, 2007 by NewsBiscuit