Marine biologists completing a six year study into the ideal conditions for whale birthing have discovered that the most positive response from whales in labour came from those listening to CDs of human beings shouting at one another. ‘It should have occurred to us earlier,’ said Professor Damien Fielden. ‘We’d tried the sound of gently lapping waves, birdsong and Beethoven’s Pastoral Symphony and none of it was helping the mother whale in the slightest.’
It was then that one of the researchers accidentally left on the underwater audio equipment while an argument developed on the project’s floating laboratory. ‘We’d all been cooped up on this boat for so long and suddenly it all poured out – how much we all hated one another, how ‘Miser’ Mike had bad breath and Dave was a smug academic snob and we didn’t realize that the microphone was still live and that the whales were hearing every word of it.’
But birthing whales began swimming from miles around to listen to the sounds of human shrieking, and further studies revealed that angry shouting actively helped the whales achieve a calm inner peace that they seek when bringing a baby whale into the world.
The scientists then sent out a team to record the most heated human arguments that they could find – a man trying to pay his gas bill over the telephone, the queue for the returns desk at IKEA, Alex Ferguson talking to the fourth official, the Northern Ireland assembly, and a Democratic Feminist debating abortion with a Republican creationist.
‘All that anger and swearing seemed to really help the whales. It makes up for all those years of failed experiments with ‘land births.’ Finally we had created the perfect birthing environment for these gentle and sensitive creatures. One intelligent mammal helping another; it was a beautiful and spiritual moment,’ said Marie-Anne Coulson. ‘It was a shame that the Japanese ‘research scientists’ then came along and harpooned them all but you can’t have everything.’