The provision of Britain’s independent nuclear deterrent is to be handed over to the low cost airline Ryan Air in a bid to keep down spiralling defence expenditure.
Recent estimates that replacing Britain’s Trident missiles would cost around £20 billion have been dismissed by Ryan Air’s confident assertion that they could provide a basic no-frills nuclear deterrent for £39.99 (plus taxes and booking fees).
‘Our business model has shown that we can provide popular cheap air travel, and the same basic rules apply for nuclear missiles as holiday makers’ said a spokesman for Ryan Air. ‘These additional missile routes will allow us to develop other revenue streams, such as novelty model fall-out shelters and World War Three scratchcards.’ Launching any nuclear missile would have to be done by the Prime Minister logging on to Ryan Air’s website, after which the British Army would be offered a series of car rental deals and holiday insurance.
But military strategists have criticised aspects of the plan, such as Ryan Air’s condition that the missiles have to fly out of Stansted and then can only be targetted at certain minor European airports. ‘We utterly refute suggestions that Britain would be less safe with Ryan Air running its nuclear deterrent’ said the airline. ‘The moment there was any problem we would instruct the nuclear bombs to turn around and land in London.’