The Home Office announced today that it is withdrawing its 1,000 strong police force from Nottingham. The city is expected to be handed over to the forces of local militias by the end of the year.
Chief Commissioner Ed Worsley explained: ‘Our primary concern is the safety of the local bobbies. The force is too small and ill-equipped to handle a dangerous place like Nottingham and they will be far happier dealing with shed break-ins and telling old people the time in our rural communities.’
Local Nottingham residents are not surprised by the news. Most say the police have already handed over large parts of the city centre to local forces. The Meadows area is believed to be controlled by Da Trent Street Posse whilst nearby St Anns is run by the Mansfield Road Crew.
‘These organisations have far greater numbers and better access to firearms than our local police force,’ says Worsley. ‘Their income from drug dealing is far superior to our limited government funding. And the paperwork is less so they can spend more time out on the street.’
Police refuse to admit that their efforts to bring peace to the streets of Nottingham have been failure, although conceded that their job was not made an easier by the fact that all the law-abiding young males have left the town. ‘Apparently they all joined the army and got sent to Iraq. Ironic really.’
jazzer (pics by Racoon)