A Lancashire man has been fired for following the advice of lifestyle gurus and self-help books to ‘seize the day’ and ‘live every moment to the full’. Matthew Gormley, a credit controller with a Southport logistics business, was shocked to find he had been sacked from his job after returning from an unauthorised three week absence which had followed his adoption of a new ‘Life Is A Journey’ outlook.
‘It’s all very well saying no-one on their deathbed wished they’d spent more time at the office, but you try telling that to human resources’, complained Gormley, as he packed his personal belongings from his desk. Former work colleague Briony Walker commented, ‘When we got that email from Matthew, saying he would be living the next few weeks as if each day as if it was his last, it was very upsetting. Carole burst into tears and Geoff and Richard pledged to donate the proceeds of their sponsored fun run to his family. But then we find out he’s actually fit as a fiddle… we feel cheated. I tell you one thing, he’s not getting back that hole-punch I took as a memento.’
Gormley decided to return to the office after the new lifestyle hadn’t worked out quite as well as he planned. ‘The first few days were fun. I took the kids to Alton Towers and whisked my wife off to Paris. But it was all a bit tiring and before long I found myself alone at home watching Deal or No Deal, once on Channel 4 and then again on the +1 channel.’ To get inspiration Gormley turned to a book of ‘50 Things To Do Before You Die’, but his mild vertigo ruled out the parachuting and mountain-climbing, and a dodgy knee made running a marathon impractical. Ironically, the one suggestion that caught his eye was the one that led to his dismissal. He returned to work to see if Briony would help him out with a very particular personal experience in the office stationary cupboard when he was suddenly hauled into the management offices to explain why he wasn’t yet dead.
This wasn’t Gormley’s first unsuccessful attempt to adopt a carefree world view. His efforts to ‘dance like no-one was watching’ at the office party were, in fact, watched with great amusement by everyone present and a cameraphone recording subsequently became a surprise hit on YouTube. ‘Well, they say you only truly regret the things you don’t do,’ sighed Gormley, as he left the office adding; ‘I wonder if all those obscene names I called my bank manager last week will affect my application for an overdraft extension?’
nealdoran (with thanks to Off topic and Zadok)