Arch enemy of the British Secret Service and megalomaniac super villain, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, was at a loss to explain exactly what he was doing at Lidl on Tuesday. Upon questioning Mr Blofeld exclaimed, ‘There must be a reason I’ve vacated my underground lair, but why come here? Does the final stage of project Gemini involve me buying more ham?’
Mr Blofeld, whose diabolical schemes for world domination confirmed him as an evil genius, agreed that while Lidl offers value for money, he was stumped by his actual presence there. ‘Quality food, discounted domestic products and one season camping equipment. I’d be a fool to shop anywhere else. Yet I’m almost certain this wasn’t what I came out for…’
Blofeld then admitted that he was no stranger to suffering memory lapses; ‘I find if I retrace my steps out loud it helps jog the old brain box. Dry clean lab coats! Ransom demand! Set death ray to ‘death’ and not ‘dance’! Brief henchmen! Ransom dem- No i’ve said that …uh…what’s the, wait a min… Please help me, I’m so lost….’
The psychopathic plutocrat who evaded capture from the best Special Agents British Intelligence had to offer, was eventually picked up by part time security guard Tony Dawson. ‘I clocked this old geezer acting distressed in front of some eggs. So I says to him, ‘Do you need any help mate? And he starts getting all in me face like, shouting and causing a scene, like,’ Mr Dawson claimed.
It finally transpired that Mr Blofeld was a resident of the ‘Pleasant View Care Home’. ‘So I get on the blower and tell them to come and pick him up.’ said Mr Dawson. ‘But he starts geting hysterical, babbling nonsense and trying to show me bruises, and I tell him that’s none of my business. The mini-bus pulls up and finally he says to me ‘Do you know who I am? I am Blofeld; Ernst Stavro Blofeld. I said ‘yeah, right and I’m James Bond.’
Witnesses report that as the mini-bus sped off its occupant was seen to bang on the windows and scream ‘Cat food! I remember now. Caaaat fooood!’