The government has responded ‘quickly and decisively’ to the alarming rise in facile platitudes emanating from politicians and journalists by appointing the country’s first Cliché Czar.
Taking ‘full responsibility’ for the ‘errors of judgement’ made by his government in generating intolerable levels of tired inanities and meaningless second-hand expressions, the Prime Minister admitted; ‘We’re all human. We all make mistakes. There were lapses in judgement and we regret any pain we may have caused. But let the record show that we have faced this matter with integrity and honour. It’s time to draw a line in the sand, move forward, put this unfortunate chapter behind us and let the healing process begin. We may have shot ourselves in the foot, but it’s now time to turn back the tide.’
Stepping up for his first press conference, the newly appointed Cliché Czar, Sir John Greenall said that he would not be mounting fishing expeditions and playing political football as a knee-jerk reaction; ‘Rest assured that I have set up a full public enquiry into this matter and will leave no stone unturned until I root out the source of the proliferation of clichés. Period.’
Sir John continued; ‘I am confident we are not looking at a systemic or institutional failure at this moment in time. There is no need for anyone to fall on their sword, but neither am I going to put the issue on the back burner. At the end of the day, in real terms, the vast majority of the British public deserve to have answers at the point of need, and I will make it my personal mission to secure a robust, top-down process-driven road map going forward.’
Later in the afternoon the Cliché Czar was found to have failed to declare gifts and donations, and lied about an affair with his diary secretary. He insisted he wouldn’t resign and then did.